Originally published on Panic Dots.
Well, where to start with this absolute car crash of a movie. Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides succeeds where the last two sequels failed: I now cannot stand the sight of Captain Jack Sparrow. The last two films had worn my patience dangerously thin with the Keith Richards inspired buccaneer, but he was still the best thing to be found in two truly terrible films.
To add insult to injury, the BBC showed the first film, Curse Of The Black Pearl, on Sunday and it really hit home just how lazy and complacent everyone involved in the production of the subsequent films has become, Johnny Depp included. In fairness, it’s not their fault – it’s ours. If we keep insisting on handing over our hard-earned cash to the cinema every time a lacklustre Pirates sequel hits the box office, then we have no one to blame but ourselves when Pirates Of The Caribbean 12: Jack’s Search For A Colostomy Bag limps its way out of Hollywood and on to our screens. Basically, what I’m getting at, is that if you go and see this movie, you are never allowed to complain about crappy Hollywood movies again, as it is YOU who are the problem.
Anyways, rant over. So, why did this film ruffle my feathers so?
The plot is remarkably uninspired: Captain Jack Sparrow returns, this time in search of the fountain of youth, but first there are plenty of opportunities for ludicrous disguises, sword play, and chance meetings with an old flame (Penelope Cruz). There’s also a lot of Jack Sparrow, as he spends this film being the sole protagonist. The main problem with this is, in small bursts, Jack can be hilarious, especially backed up by a couple of “straight” characters like Will Turner or Elizabeth, but when he’s left to carry the entire film by himself, there are only so many non sequiturs, flakey hand movements, and intense eye-play expressions you can take before you want to shout instructions at the screen telling Johnny Depp exactly where he can stick his cutlass.
Surely there must be some exciting action set pieces to rescue the movie? Well, yes there are. They’re relentless. Somebody needs to post the producers an explanation of the law of diminishing returns, as after 20 minutes I was so sick to death of seeing Sparrow dicing with danger, buckling and swashing, and camping his way out of situations, I was secretly hoping for the man next to me in the cinema to pull a gun, hold it to my head, and march me out of the theatre, demanding the use of a helicopter and £100,000 in unmarked bills.
About a quarter of the way through the film, Blackbeard (played by Ian McShane) makes his entrance as the captain of the ship Jack has found himself press ganged on to. He has a sword that allows him to magically control the ship with a wave of his fingers. This is never explained. If ever there was an opportunity for a back story, this was it, and it’s never explored. I have a terrible feeling that a Blackbeard prequel is being demonically conceived in some air-conditioned studio by a team of chimpanzees on a higher salary than I will ever achieve.
Writing a bad review is never a rewarding experience (especially as it usually follows having had to endure the unsatisfying experience of watching a bad film), but with Pirates the experience is even more depressing. Not only have I had to relive the experience of being trapped in a cinema, sat in front of someone who insisted on chatting throughout the entire movie (at a press screening, no less – the place was packed with kids, none of them made a peep. Yet the woman behind me couldn’t keep quiet for two minutes), but I’m under no illusions that no matter what anyone says about this film, it’s going to be huge. If it wasn’t for internet ticket booking, people would be queuing around the block to watch it.
So, please don’t encourage them. Go and watch something else. Please. They’ll only keep making more if you don’t.